I know how it's like
by RedHatMeg
Summary: (Former "Nothnig more tangible"). Thirty years on the other side of the portal left some scars on the psyche of Stanford Pines. Warning: includes PTSD and panic attacks.
1. Nothing more tangible

**I thought that there is not enough angstfics about Stanford dealing with the things he encountered on the other side of the portal. So I decided to write a fic with him having a panic attack.**

 **I may make it a series of oneshots.** **Just tell me what you think.**

 **Nothing more tangible**

 _It was dark. Well, not completely dark. He could make out some of his surroundings, and that's how he knew he was on some deserted area with lots of rocks and sand. He could hear and feel the wind blowing in the air._

 _But how did he get here? After all, not long time ago he was back in the shack, with his brother and great niece and nephew. He remembered them well – Stanley meeting him on the other side of the portal (the_ _ **right**_ _side); Mabel shaking his hand and telling him that six-fingered shake is a lot more friendlier than a normal one; Dipper playing Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons with him… He remembered his brother's business and employees. He remembered breakfast with his newfound family. He remembered how he was taking the portal apart to keep them safe._

 _Was it just a dream? A really long, very sweet and heartwarming dream, he dreamed while sleeping here?_

 _He felt a little pang of sadness. Yes, it was a dream. There was no Mysteries Shack, no brother working on a portal, no small twins spending their summer in Gravity Falls. He was all alone again and it felt so horribly empty, he wanted to cry. He hugged his knees and was just sitting there with apathy._

 _Suddenly he felt a breath on his shoulder. Right after that he realized that a large shadow was casted on him. And then he heard a growl._

 _He abruptly stood up and started to run. He didn't even bother to look back, he already knew that the thing behind him was a beast ready to devour him in one quick move. Interestingly, he didn't use his gun. Maybe instinctively he thought it would be useless, or maybe he felt that he disturbed that beast on its territory and it had every right to chase him away. He didn't have much time to think about it, anyways._

 _So he ran like crazy, looking for a good place to hide. But there was only rocks and sand, and complete desert. There was no way, he could hide from the beast, but his heart was pounding like crazy from the rush of adrenaline. And the beast was coming closer to him, it was almost on his feet, he could hear it from the distance._

 _Suddenly he tripped on a rock that was on his way, and collapsed. Soon after the beast stopped and once again casted its shadow on him. Well, he couldn't run anymore, so he turned to the beast. It looked just as he thought it could look like – like something straight from a Lovecraftian nightmare. One big, shapeless mass with teeth and claws, and eyes piercing through soul._

 _He reached for his gun, but he quickly realized it was gone. How? Did he drop it, when he was running? Or…?_

 _The beast bent over him and opened its big mouth. This was it. This was the way, he was going to die – becoming a dinner of some hellish animal; alone, far from home and from his family. And the only thing he could do about it, was scream…_

* * *

Stanford Pines woke up yelling from the top of his lungs. It took him a couple of seconds to realize that he was sitting in his bed, in his room in the shack that was his hermitage before he was thrown into the portal. It was late at night (almost morning, actually), judging by the sky outside the window, and he was in Gravity Falls.

Stanford's heart was pounding like crazy, he had hard time breathing and he was shivering.

Was it all real? The desert seemed real, and so did the beast. So what was the dream and what was the reality? The desert was a dream. No, the Mystery Shack was the dream. No, no, no. He could feel the covers he was in right now. Or maybe he just wanted the dream, he was now having, to be real – for Stanley to be real, for twins to be real, for him being back in the Gravity Falls, to be real. And he was now going crazy…

A knock to the door brought him back from his gloomy thoughts.

"Great uncle Ford, are you alright?" The voice on the other side belonged to Dipper and it was soon accompanied by Mabel's:

"We've heard you screaming. Did you have a bad dream, gruncle Ford?"

Stanford didn't respond. He was still trying to catch his breath and understand what was happening. He also tried to calm his heart down, but he felt another panic attack building slowly inside of him. He was sweating, his chest was aching, not to mention the dizziness that attacked him all of sudden.

The worst part was that his brain didn't cooperate with him. Stanford had no idea what should he do during panic attack. So he was just sitting there, trying to remember _anything_ about first aid in that kind of a situation.

Another knock on the door. This time louder.

"Open up, pointdexter!" It was Stanley. "You've made a ruckus on the whole shack with that screaming, so you better open up or I will open this doors for ya!"

Stanford felt torn. Torn between letting them help him with his panic attack; and not letting them see him in this state. What would they think of him if they saw him so scared and miserable? To Dipper he was the Author – a cool, wise man, who researched the unknown and battled with monsters. To Mabel he was gruncle Ford – a beloved family member, who came back after a long time of absence and was now living in the shack alongside with them. And to Stanley…

Stanford probably took too long to respond, because the door opened (it wasn't locked) and his brother entered the room. At first he was frowning with annoyance, but when he looked at the state his twin was in, his expression softened. He quickly turned to the kids picking inside the room, and told them to go back to sleep, before he closed the door and walked towards Stanford.

"Okay, pointdexter. "He said, sitting next to his twin. "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out." He even rested his hand on Stanford shoulder.

The scientist focused on his brother's voice and did as he was told.

 _Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breath out…_

Soon he was able to steady his breath and realized that his heart wasn't beating as crazy as earlier.

 _Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out…_

His body was coming back to normal, if only a bit slowly. He still felt dizzy and sweaty, and he wasn't entirely sure if this was all real, but at least breathing wasn't as hard as at the beginning.

"That's it, pointdexter. Nice and slowly. Feeling better now?"

Stanford looked at Stanley. His brother seemed concerned, but oddly calm. It was kind of like in the good old days, when they were children and one of them had a bad dream or got spooked away, so the other one was comforting him.

"Yes, yes." Stanford replied on his brother's question. He didn't know where to look, so he gazed at the floor. "Thank you, Stanley. And sorry for waking you, guys, up." He added a bit quieter.

It still felt like a dream, though. Stanford was scared that he will soon wake up, being digested in the beast's stomach.

"Good." Stanley said, withdrawing his hand. "Now tell me, what was that all about?"

The scientist clenched his fist, remembering the beast trying to eat him, and more importantly – he remembered the feeling of sadness, when he realized he was once again on the other side of the portal. Suddenly he felt the overwhelming sadness and dread. He didn't want this all to turn out to be a dream. He didn't want Stanley to be dream; he didn't want twins to be dream; he didn't want the shack to be dream. He wanted to believe that it was all real and not some kind of illusion his mind was making up to play tricks on him.

"Oh, come on! You're not gonna cry right now, aren't you, pointdexter?" Stanley said and Stanford realized that he had tears in his eyes. Stan sounded teasing, but there was some kind of uncertainty in his voice. He obviously didn't know what he would do, if his brother suddenly burst into tears.

Quite frankly, Stanford also didn't want to get all teary in front of Stanley, so he quickly wiped his tears off and tried to pull himself together.

"Good, Stanford. Now go back to my question."

These tears in his eyes felt wet and Ford could sense his brother's heat next to him. Maybe it _was_ real. Stanford clang to this thought, but still some part of him was doubting it.

"Okay, fine." Stanley lost his patience and stood up. "You don't have to tell me. It's not like I want to help you or anything."

He was going to go away, when Stanford caught his arm, immediately stopping him from leaving. Stanley looked at his brother, raising his eyebrows with surprise, but he didn't say anything. He only sat back on the bed and gazed at Stanford with mixture of annoyance and concern.

"Have I ever told you how it was like? On the other side of the portal, I mean." Ford said.

"No," Stan replied. "but I suspected that it was a touchy subject for you, so I didn't ask."

Stanford figured that there was one other reason – Stanley didn't want to know what he caused his brother to suffer for thirty years. But right now Stan seemed to be ready to listen. And Ford felt like his heart was sinking because of the things that was going through his mind.

There had to be a good way to start this. A good way to approach this subject and then just roll with it.

Stanford took a deep breath and gazed at his brother.

"I know how it's like, Stanley." He said with such a weak voice, it seemed like a whisper. "I know how it's like to be homeless."

Stan raised his eyebrows, but didn't say anything.

"There were times in the portal," Ford continued. "you know, when I had nowhere to go and had to spend the night in the cave or under the sky… There were times when I was cold and starving, and just… lost. Then I had time to think."

He remembered various lonely nights spent in the wild, where he didn't know where to go or what to do with himself. Hell, he didn't even know if he will survive the next day, because everything wanted to eat him.

He turned away to observe the floor.

"And, you know, during nights like these, I was thinking mostly about home. About mom and dad. About our house in New Jersey. About my research." He turned back at Stanley. "And about you."

"Oh, I'm _dying_ to listen what you were thinking about me in the middle of nowhere." Stan said sarcastically.

Well, Stanford was still mad, obviously. He spent countless nights thinking about how he wouldn't even end up there, if it weren't for his brother. But there were times when…

"I was thinking about the past. You know, how we used to look for treasure and all…"

 _How we were attending boxing classes… How you've destroyed my science project… How dad found out and disowned you… How you were looking at me, when I didn't say anything about it…_

These nights in the wild were actually a very enlightening experience. They were enough for him to never again look at Stanley's homelessness the same again.

One day he will tell that to his brother.

"And I was sitting in the darkness," Stanford went on. "being cold and hungry, and not knowing where my next meal will be, or if I even survive the next day… and when I was falling asleep, I dreamed that I'm back in Gravity Falls. In my hut, in my own, warm bed…" He saddened. "These dreams were so realistic, I thought that the portal was just a one, big nightmare. But then I was waking up and realizing that the home was a dream."

From the expression on Stanley's face, it looked like he was slowly understanding the implications of that statement. Stanley _had to_ know. Because Stanford wanted him to know and do something about it.

"So you think that I'm a dream?" His brother concluded.

Stanford looked at him.

"My mind is playing tricks with me, Stanley." His voice was cracking, when he tried not to cry. "I want to believe that you've opened the portal and I returned, but I just dreamed about waking up on the other side and now I'm scared that…"

"Okay, pointdexter." Stan stood up and pointed at the space in front of him. "Come."

A bit confused Ford did what he was told. Now both brothers were standing few feet away from each other. And then Stanley used his left hook to knock his twin down. Stanford fell on the ground. Still feeling the punch on the face, he stared at his brother with wide eyes.

At first he wanted to yell: "Stanley, what the hell?!", but then something clicked in his mind and he smiled. Not wasting any more time, Stanford stood up.

" _Now_ you believe that I'm real? Or should I punch you again?" Stan asked.

Ford observed him, still smiling, before he finally decide to speak:

"Oh, yes, yes. Your wimpy punch barely stroke me, but it felt real."

"Okay, so next time I will kick your ass. How about that?"

"You can also stick to just pinching."

"So it hurt after all." A wide grin appeared on Stanley's face.

"Well, yeah, a bit."

Stan sighed.

"Come on, we have to tell the kids that everything is okay."

Stanford didn't say anything. He just followed his brother. Even massaging his aching face, he was still smiling to his own thoughts. All in all, Stanley was used to simple solutions and simple solutions were sometimes the best.

After all, there was nothing more tangible than pain.


	2. Triggers

**And so by popluar demand, the series of one-shots about Ford's psychological problems began!**

 **This time is Dipper's turn to help Great Uncle Ford.**

 **Triggers**

All in all, Stanford liked staying in the house whole day.

After thirty years of walking from place to place and being basically homeless, it was nice to finally lie in his own bed, surrounded by familiar objects and scents hanging in the air. He missed it so much during his little banishment. There were times when, sitting in the cold and listening to potential predators, he wanted so badly to be back in this shack. He longed for its coziness and familiarity. It was _his_ shack. A place that belonged only to him. And even though, there was still danger surrounding his home, he was familiar with this danger and knew how to deal with it. He much rather preferred a known danger over vast amount of dangers in infinite dimensions.

And now he was finally home. And it felt _so good_ to be home.

Only it wasn't entirely his, anymore. It was a Mystery Shack – a tourist attraction with fake curiosities, led by Stanley. Day by day, new people were walking around Ford's house, paying to see weird things, listen to Stan's putting up the show and, eventually, buy something in the gift shop. Stanford wasn't particularly happy with this state of things, but it wasn't that he had much choice, judging by the agreement he and Stanley reached. (Besides, this agreement gave him something to wait for – when the summer end, he will have his home back… Still, there were times when he wasn't sure if it was a good idea…).

There were also the twins. And Stanford actually liked to have them around. He liked to talk with Dipper, and Mabel was also a really great kid. Their company made the Mystery Shack seem even more cozy and friendly. Suddenly Ford caught himself trying to impress them and have fun with them. He almost didn't want for summer to end.

Either way, he liked to stay in the shadows. He much rather preferred to spend a whole day, working in the basement, on his experiments and research, than go out into the woods. There was so much to do after all those years. He had to put the data into order, he had to secure all his inventions, he had to clean his cabinet and find out if everything works properly…

Coming out would be risky. Well, that went without saying. If he left his hiding spot, it would raise too many questions and put his family in very uncomfortable position. Yes, he had to stay in the cover. This was the best solution.

But there was also another reason as to not going out. Stanford just knew that even if he could leave the Mystery Shack, he didn't necessarily want to do it. Even looking at the window and observing the woods outside, was giving him creeps. Maybe it was because of his previous experiences with the Gravity Falls' forest; or maybe it was something more basic, some kind of almost agoraphobic aversion of leaving his safe and relatively peaceful house.

Still, he sometimes felt uncomfortable in his own house. Not because of crowds coming to Mystery Shack and not because of the tensions between him and Stanley. No, the reason behind this feeling lied in the house itself. Everything was bringing up unwanted memories that were haunting him in the moments of solitude… or even when he was spending time with his family. One gaze on the wall or unfinished experiments, and he was coming back to all those not-so-pleasant days spend in paranoia, when he felt like everything is watching him and everything is going to jump into the shack to attack him in a moment, when he would be less vigilant.

The worst part was that he still felt that way sometimes. Especially in silence of the night or in the solitude of the basement. When he was alone and when his thoughts had a time to run rampant. It was scary, because he wasn't entirely sure if the feeling of being watched was just a paranoia, or if it was his instinct screaming to him about the danger.

Many times he caught himself reaching for the gun in the pocket of his coat, because he thought that he heard something… only to realize that he's all alone in the basement.

He left the other side of the portal a few weeks ago. Naturally, normality was hard to get used to after thirty years of running. Besides, it wasn't like Gravity Falls was the most normal town in the world and Ford wasn't interested in anomalies all his life…

So he was trying to occupy his mind. And at first glance it wasn't so hard – he had his scientific work, his inventions and his books… but the unwanted thoughts and the nagging feeling of being watched were always coming back. And, of course, the nights, when he was just lying in his bed and contemplating various things, were the hardest.

He quickly realized that it was less of a problem, when he was with someone. _Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons_ with Dipper was not only fun, but occupying enough for Stanford to relax for awhile.

And lately, after the portal has been dismantled, Dipper was coming to his great uncle's basement more often. For the most part the boy was using the opportunity of Ford coming on breakfast or dinner, to ask if he could hang out with him, and if the scientist had nothing dangerous to do, he was more than happy to bring his great nephew with him.

The asking for permission was very important part of this process and Dipper forgot about it only once.

* * *

Stanford was bending over his second journal, trying to remember what was on the pages that were now missing, when he heard something. A rustling sound somewhere in the distance behind his back. At first he brushed it off as another sign of paranoia and went back to studying, but then he heard it again, this time louder. He stopped what he was doing and started to listen.

Someone – or something – was sneaking behind him. Closer and closer. That person – or animal – probably was trying to ambush him, but didn't know who they were dealing with (they weren't the first one… and probably not the last). Carefully, discreetly, he reached for the gun in his coat and when he was sure that his supposed predator was close enough, he abruptly stood up, turned around and pointed the gun at…

…At stunned Dipper.

"It's me! It's me, great uncle Ford!" He cried. "No need to be jumpy! I only wanted to hang out!"

He wasn't just scared. He was _terrified_. This, on the other hand, made _Ford_ terrified as he realized that he almost shot his great nephew. Stanford lowered his gun and put it back to his pocket. Only when he did it, he looked at the boy in front of him and disturbed the awkward silence that arose between them.

"Why you were even sneaking on me?!"

"I-I didn't want you to disturb you! You seemed to be busy!"

"Then why you've come here in the first place?! Why didn't you tell me, you wanted to come, as always?! Why you were trying to surprise me like that?!"

At this moment Ford wanted to scold the kid for his recklessness.

"Seriously, Dipper, I was expecting you to be more cautious! I could have killed you!"

He didn't want to think about what almost happened. But he _had to_ think about it. He had to address that in his mind. Because it was a terrifying possibility.

If he let his instinct carry him away… if he pulled the trigger the moment when he turned back, just like he did many, many times in the past… Oh, God…

"I-I'm so sorry, great uncle Ford! I won't do it ever again, I swear!"

Dipper sounded so scared of him right now… And rightfully so. A relative of his (moreover – his idol!) was pointing a gun at him few seconds ago and now was yelling at him. His expression of fear and his quivering voice were enough for Ford to calm down.

Stanford kneeled in front of his nephew and rested his hands on the boy's shoulders, as he said with softer voice:

"No, it is I, who should be sorry. I should have known it was you all along."

He wasn't very certain about this statement, but he wanted to assure the kid that everything is fine; that he didn't have to be afraid, anymore because his uncle realized his mistake and it won't happen again.

But Dipper was avoiding his gaze and Ford realized that the boy was still kind of scared. And it was breaking Ford's heart, because he liked to have Dipper around and he didn't want him to think about his uncle as a threat.

"Dipper? Dipper, talk to me."

The kid was still silent. And his silence made Ford's heart sink even more.

 _You stay away from the kids. I don't want them in danger…_ – Stanley's voice echoed in Stanford's memory.

He was a danger to the kids, after all. Right now Ford was aware of it more than ever. What if it won't be the last time, this will happen? What if next time, because of some stupid mistake, he will actually kill Dipper? Or Mabel, for that matter? He couldn't make it happen. He had to protect them. Even from himself.

Ford gave soft sigh, stood up and, avoiding boy's gaze, said:

"I think you shouldn't come here anymore, Dipper."

"What?!" The kid seemed to be surprised. "But-but, great uncle Ford…"

"Didn't you see what happened?!" Ford almost screamed, finally gazing at him, but then, seeing that Dipper was startled once again, the scientist added calmly: "Look, I have certain… impulses that are activating whenever I hear or see something my mind connects as danger. This time I didn't pull the trigger, but how do you know I won't do it next time?"

Dipper finally looked at him and this time he was the one who was angry.

"Wait, so you think I would be stupid enough to sneak on you again?"

"No, of course not…" Ford tried to defend himself. "It's just that…"

He tried to find a better way to put it, but he was lost.

"Why… why are you still keeping the gun with you, anyway?" Dipper asked suddenly.

"I…" Ford started, looking down. Then he gazed at Dipper and explained: "I guess, I want to be prepared. You know, in case, something bad was happening."

Dipper was observing him, frowning, but then his expression suddenly softened. He understood. Of course, he did. He was a smart kid and could connect the dots. He could see in Ford's eyes what he wanted to say.

"You want to talk about it?" The boy finally spoke.

Ford was surprised but this proposition, at first. There was no doubt Dipper wanted to listen. But Stanford knew it would be of no use. After all, as much as Dipper was bright and intelligent preteen, he wouldn't know what to do with the knowledge about horrors his great uncle encountered on the other side of the portal. So Stanford declined:

"I appreciate the offer, I really do, but no, I don't want to talk about it." He even smiled reassuringly. "I'm fine."

But Dipper seemed to not believe that last statement.

"You know," He began. "you're not alone anymore, great uncle Ford. You don't need to be vigilant all the time."

"I'm aware of it." Ford replied. "But my mind is not. And that's the main problem, Dipper."

They were sitting in the uncomfortable silence for a moment. Ford suspected that they both weren't sure what to do in this awkward situation.

Finally Dipper looked at his uncle and smiled.

"Anyway," He started all of sudden. "I wanted to ask you something for quite some time."

"Yeah?" Ford asked a bit shyly. "What?"

"There are movies based on _Lord of the Rings_."

Ford's eyes widened.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Dipper nodded and added awkwardly: "I was thinking… maybe you want to watch them with me?"

His uncle grinned even wider. And that was enough of an answer for Dipper.

They've spent next few hours sitting in the living room, watching _Lord of the Rings_ and sometimes talking about certain aspects of it. Ford actually enjoyed the movies and was astonished by the progress of special effects… but still he couldn't completely forget about what happened in the basement.

Throughout the whole screening he was thinking about the fact that he was pointing a gun at Dipper. And although he knew that Dipper won't be sneaking on him again and probably tell others not to do it, Ford knew he had to do something to prevent this situation from happening again.

The first decision was to not carry the gun as often as he did earlier.


	3. Little pleasures

**Hell yeah, it's Ford and Mabel Time!**

 **I've had this idea for quite some time and at first I wanted to make it a separate story, but then I realized I didn't have much ideas for Mabel's chapter in this series, so I thought I can as well incorporate this one.**

 **Also - please, leave some reviews.**

 **Little pleasures**

Saying that Stanford Pines had trouble with sleeping was an understatement. Sure, he liked having his own, very comfy bed he didn't need to move out from the next day, however, he didn't have even one goodnight sleep.

When he was putting himself to sleep, one of two thing was happening:

One – he suffered the insomnia. He was restless and overthinking, and everything seemed to be too loud to fall asleep, and his scars were suddenly aching, and his mind apparently decided that it would be fine to remind him few of his most painful memories from the portal.

Two – he was falling asleep and maybe even had a nice dreams, but then they were turning dark and he was reliving his worst memories, one by one, until he would wake up screaming, sometimes even with brand new panic attack. And generally when he was waking up, there was no way he would sleep for the rest of the night.

So sooner or later Stanford was just leaving his bedroom and looking for something to occupy himself with in next couple of hours that left until morning. Generally he would go read or build something, but sometimes, when he didn't feel like it, he was just moving to the kitchen, making himself a coffee or some midnight snack, and then sitting at the table, thinking about various things that wouldn't be connected in any way with his nightmares.

Sometimes even, during those night activities, he could stumble upon Stanley, who also woke up for little something to eat. In that case, both twins weren't talking to each other, Stanley was just doing what he came to the kitchen and he was leaving to the living room as soon as he finished, and they spent rest of the night, minding their own business.

It seemed that this night would be uneventful too, but the fate had, apparently, different plans.

After another couple of sleepless hours Ford got out from his bed and came to the kitchen. As always he made himself coffee and a sandwich, and then he sat at the kitchen table to eat, drink and think about random stuff. Soon he heard steps coming from the stairs… and here's where this night started to be different. Because these steps were too light to belong to Stan. Ford quickly assumed it had to be one of the twins, which caused him to rise his eyebrows with surprise. He waited patiently for the kid to come down. Soon he could make out the long, purple gown and he already knew which of twins was awake at this time of hour.

As soon as Mabel saw Ford, a wide grin appeared on her face and she abruptly entered the kitchen.

"Hi, great uncle Ford!" She said too loud for Stanford's liking.

He shot her a quick smile and replied:

"Please, be a little more quiet. You don't want to wake up gruncle Stan or Dipper, don't you?"

"Oh," She looked at him with embarrassment as she said: "sorry. Anyway," She sat at the table and asked: "what are you doing so late at night, great uncle Ford?"

Another quick smile, this time a bit forced.

"I couldn't sleep."

For a moment he was afraid she will ask him about details. Ford realized very quickly that whenever Mabel noticed someone being sad or grumpy, she liked to come to that person and keep inquiring them what's wrong. And even if she didn't get the information at first, she was trying to find out about it in other ways… or she was just jumping into conclusions (which were surprisingly accurate… for the most part).

But Mabel didn't ask. Maybe at first she was going to, however, one look at her great uncle made her realize it wouldn't be the best course of action. Actually, if anything, her expression was indicating that she understood the situation.

"I can't sleep either." She said finally. "So I decided to come down and watch something."

Suddenly her face beamed with another wide grin.

"Hey, great uncle Ford," She leaned closer to him. "you can't sleep and I can't sleep. What we have here, is a golden opportunity for some family bonding." Saying the last words, she raised her eyebrows meaningfully.

The fact that she was so close to him and that she was staring at him with her big eyes, made Ford feel a bit uncomfortable. He also wasn't very thrilled by the idea of doing something with Mabel in the middle of the night.

It wasn't like Ford didn't like Mabel. He liked both twins, he liked to talk with them, he liked to have fun with them, he liked to spend time with them. And Mabel… Mabel was a sweet, caring kid, very optimistic and very enthusiastic about things. She just wanted everyone to be happy and get along with each other. (She also, alongside with Stan, kind of saved Ford's and Dipper's lives, using her crazy imagination and when Stanford first met her, she said that six-fingered shake is more friendlier than normal one.)

Her weirdness wasn't exactly the case either, because many times Ford found himself fascinated by the way her mind was working.

It was more the case of Mabel's interests. She liked loud, synthesized music, performed by youngsters in bright colored clothes. She liked reading romance novels about werewolves (there was a time when Ford was actually curious about it, but then Dipper explained to him what was generally in that kind of books). She liked putting stickers everywhere, which was kind of annoying at times.

There were just things Stanford had more in common with Dipper. Dipper was interested in paranormal, loved to play _Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons_ , and knew how it's like to be a socially awkward nerd. Meanwhile Mabel was more like Stanley, when Ford and Stan were children – she was a free spirit, always ready for some shenanigans. And so Mabel was spending more and more time with her other great uncle.

Come to think of it, it was quite astonishing how quickly both Stans picked favorites. They still liked both twins and wanted to hang out with them… but there was this understanding between Stanford and Dipper that wasn't between Dipper and Stanley. And so, when Mabel had nothing else to do, she was hanging out with her great uncle Stan, who appreciated her company.

Now Ford was alone with Mabel and he didn't know if he liked the idea of bonding with her in the middle of the night, he would normally spend on his own thoughts. But… would he really preferred it? It wasn't like his thoughts were happy ones. After all, sooner or later his mind was always coming back to things he didn't want to think of.

So maybe this "family bonding" wasn't such a bad idea.

He smiled to her and stood up.

"You know, Mabel," He said. "it's not like I have anything to do right now."

The little girl's smile widened even more. She quickly grabbed his great uncle's hand, led him to the living room and pushed him on the couch.

"Wait here." She said. And right after that, she started to walk upstairs.

Ford waited for her, sitting in the living room and wondering what his great niece was planning. Were they going to watch _Ducktective_? Or maybe one of Mabel's favorite movies? There had to be a reason, she led Ford to the living room and settled him in front of a TV set. Who knows – maybe it will be actually really interesting experience.

After five minutes Mabel came back – with a laptop, nonetheless! She sat next to her great uncle, opened the computer and turned it on. While all the systems were waking up, she looked at Ford and said:

"I wanted to show you this for quite some time. Me and Dipper made these ourselves."

"Oh… really?" Ford didn't know how to reply. He wasn't sure what Mabel meant by 'these'. But he guessed, he would find out soon.

"Yes." The twelve year old nodded. "We were making them, when we weren't busy with other stuff."

She turned to the laptop and clicked at the icon that was saying: _files_. Then she clicked at another icon, this time signed as _videos_ and Ford saw two folders. One was named: _Mabel's Guide To Life_ , the other one: _Dipper's Guide To Unexplained_.

Mabel looked at Ford and asked:

"Which one would you watch first?"

At first he wanted to say: " _Dipper's Guide To Unexplained_ ", because he had a feeling it contained some recordings of Gravity Falls' oddities. However, he suspected that if he would choose it over the other one, his great niece would feel sad. And he didn't want to make her sad.

So he made the decision.

" _Mabel's Guide To Life_."

Mabel smiled again and clicked on the file with her name in the title.

It turned out they were homemade movies, where Mabel was explaining various things in her own, unique way.

First one was about dating. Dipper, Soos and Stan were even writing some survey to determine with who they could date. Stan turned out to be "dateable", but only for convicts, widows and lady plumbers… which he considered a victory (Ford remembered a horrible, _horrible_ dating advises his twin was giving him, when they were teens, and he felt the pang of sadness, so he came back to watching video). Dipper got a little worse score that made Mabel treat him a bit patronizing. However, the fact that Soos turned out to be a perfect man made Ford wonder what kind of questions were on that survey.

"Can I try it too?" He asked and Mabel's eyes immediately became big.

"Really? You want to try a _9000 question_ survey, great uncle Ford?"

"Of course," He said, even smiling. "Not now, of course… But tomorrow, maybe?"

"Sure."

The next movie was about stickers. It opened with Mabel giving a lecture about stickers throughout the history. This lecture sounded so outlandish Ford was certain she was making this up as she went. Dipper's comments as he was sitting in the background and reading some book, were funny. Eventually Mabel in the video snapped her fingers and her brother was edited out.

"What kind of sorcery is this?" Ford asked jokingly and looked at his great niece.

"He was ruining my video, so I shooed him out of the attic." Mabel explained. "Then I started to film again."

For a moment Ford wanted to say: "Yeah, I figured.", but he realized it would sound rude. So instead, he said:

"Ever heard of Georges Méliès?"

"Maybe. Go on." Mabel said.

"Well," Ford began. "Méliès was a first moviemaker in history that was using special effects. It is said, that when he was once filming a street in Paris, his camera suddenly jammed. He tried to make it work and he finally managed to do that. Later, when he looked at the film he made, he noticed something really interesting."

Mabel looked at his great uncle with curiosity, completely focused on him.

"And what was that?" She asked.

"Well, the bus he was filming suddenly changed into hearse, while women in the background changed into men. That's because when his camera jammed and he was struggling to make it work again, the bus and women managed to pass him, and their places were taken by the hearse and men. This experience gave Méliès idea to use such tricks in his movies."

"Nice!" Mabel replied.

The next video was about fashion. In this one Mabel and her two friends – Grenda and Candy – were jumping on the unsuspecting victims and then doing some makeovers to them. The first victim was Soos, who was left with spiky blond hair, white shirt, black vest and tight pants. The second victim was Stan, whose face has been painted in a way that he resembled a tiger. He actually liked his new look, however, there was one thing that caught Ford's attention.

" _Stan Wrong Song_?" He raised his eyebrows and looked at his great niece.

"It's a long story. I will explain later." Mabel replied. Then she suddenly added with excitement: "Oh, and I will even show you the video!"

"You have a video with Stan singing _Stan Wrong Song_?"

"Again, long story."

Another movie was about colors. It started with various residents of Gravity Falls telling Mabel what was their favorite color. The answers varied from beige (Grenda) to flannel (Wendy's family) and lasers (Soos). And then came Stan, who said that he didn't have a favorite color; moreover – he had never seen a rainbow in his life.

"Yes, you did, Stan." Escaped Ford's mouth.

Mabel looked at him.

"I knew it! It's impossible to never see rainbow."

"And I assure you, Mabel, that we've seen it multiple times: after the rain, on the Niagara Falls, even through the prism I got on our birthday."

"Great uncle Ford…" Mabel began suddenly and a bit shyly.

"Yes, Mabel?" He asked.

"Maybe you know what's gruncle Stan's favorite color?"

This question surprised Ford. At first he actually wasn't sure if he knew it anymore. After all, it was long time ago since he and Stan were close friends anymore. But then it came back to him – an almost forgotten detail that appeared on the surface of Ford's mind alongside a few happy, childhood memories that were filling Ford with bittersweet sensations.

"Red." He said, almost whispering.

"Really? What shade of red exactly?" Mabel inquired further.

"Just… red." Ford shrugged.

"Oh, I see." She looked down, but after a short moment she gazed at Stanford again. "And what's _your_ favorite color, great uncle Ford?"

He smiled to her and answered the question:

"Blue."

Mabel nodded and Ford suspected that she made a mental note on what she just heard about her two great uncles. Maybe she will soon use this knowledge to something.

The last video in _Mabel's Guide To Life_ folder was about art. Ford smiled at the sight of Mabel's child-like drawing of her brother. Stanford was watching this movie and he thought that it depicted Mabel's personality perfectly – it showed her imagination, creativity and her weird way of thinking.

He was actually glad that he saw these videos. He realized that throughout the whole session he was too focused on the odd and crazy things going on, to think the depressing thoughts his mind was always occupied by at this time of the night. When the last movie ended, he felt relaxed and cheerful.

"How do you like my videos, great uncle Ford?" Mabel asked.

"I like them very much. They are wonderful." He replied and he wasn't lying.

"Really? I thought you would think they are silly."

"They are. But in a good way. As far as I remember, you've found a lost president thanks to this silliness."

Mabel didn't say anything. She only smiled and clicked couple of times on the computer to exit _Mabel's Guide To Life_ folder and enter _Dipper's Guide To The Unexplained_. The first video was interesting because Ford didn't encounter similar hairless creature in his time spent in Gravity Falls and he wanted to know more (besides, he suddenly wanted to eat one of these Mobius chicken strips, because they looked delicious).

But the light mood was ruined the moment when the second video started to play.

Dipper in the film informed the audience that he was investigating "gruncle Stan's secret tattoo" and showed few photographs of said "tattoo". The moment when Ford saw the fragments of round shape at the top and the arrow under it, unwanted memories flashed in front of his eyes.

Him and Stanley arguing… Their argument resulting in a fight… Them hitting and kicking each other… Stanford pushing Stanley on the boiled machine, which caused the "tattoo" to be branded on his back… Stanford realizing what happened and telling his brother he didn't mean to cause him harm… Angry Stan accidently turning the portal on and pushing Ford… And then coming to horrible realization that his brother is slowly sucked by the machine…

Dipper on the video was trying various tricks to make Stan reveal the "tattoo": he turned up the heat, he pretended he saw a poison oak on his gruncle's shoulder and offered himself to scratch it, he even went so far that he decided to film Stanley, when he was under shower.

Ford felt uneasiness rising in him. Every second of sitting here and watching the video felt uncomfortable as his mind was coming back to that fateful night. At this point Ford was almost begging Dipper on the recording to stop, to leave his poor gruncle alone. But Dipper kept digging his nose into someone else's business, not caring about their feelings.

Every try ended with failure. Stan didn't fall for any of Dipper's tricks, and the ending of the video indicated that Stanley was looking for the boy to punish him properly. When the movie was over, Ford realized he was clenching his fists. He sighed with relief and relaxed.

At first he was angry at Dipper, Mabel and Soos. But then he thought that maybe they just weren't aware of what a horrible thing they were doing… Not back then. They weren't bad people, they were just ignorant.

All the good mood disappeared. One video was enough to ruin the great time Ford had with Mabel.

"Gruncle Ford?" Mabel's voice brought him back to reality.

He looked at his great niece, but didn't say anything. She gave him an apologetic look; it was clear that after all this time she was ashamed of what they did in this video.

"Maybe we should do something else." She proposed, concern visible on her face.

He smiled lightly, even though he knew his smile looked forced.

"That's… that's a good idea, Mabel."

* * *

"So, poindexter," Stanley spoke, standing in the doorframe. "I see, you and Mabel had a really eventful night."

Stanford blinked and looked at himself. His coat was covered with Mabel's stickers and a dating survey was lying next to him.

"Well, yeah." He said. "We both couldn't sleep, so we were watching home videos and then there was chaos. But a good one." He added abruptly.

Stan grinned to his twin, but it wasn't a teasing smirk, it was a light, content smile. Ford realized with surprise that Stan didn't seem to be jealous of the fact that his brother spent some quality time with his "favorite".

"Mabel can make you do things your inner man would cringe upon," He began. "but the moment you will see her smile, you realize it was all worth it."

Ford only grinned. When it came to Mabel, truer words hadn't been spoken.


	4. Trust no one

**Ha! I knew The Last Mabelcorn will give you ideas.**

 **Now, this is more a character study than anything else. This is also my view on why Ford is constantly keeping secrets.**

 **Trust no one**

As far as Ford remembered, before the portal he was never truly alone. For the first eighteen years of his life he was sharing his room, class and playtime with his twin brother, who was also his best friend. Sometimes it was troublesome, especially when Stanley wanted to play something while Stanford has just opened the book he was waiting to read whole day, but overall, he liked spending time with Stan. Other kids were making fun of Ford's additional fingers and nerdiness. Stan, on the other hand, always was ready to fight them and then console his brother.

But then the science project fiasco happened, Stan got disowned and kicked out of the house, and for the first time in his life Ford was alone. The room he shared with his twin was now horribly empty and awfully quiet. But he still had a company – a company of his thoughts, anger and the sinking feeling of betrayal. (Some part of him was also a bit worried about Stanley, but it wasn't heard over the boiling wrath.)

When he moved on to the university, he met Fiddleford McGucket, a man that later became his friend. Maybe not as close as Stanley, nevertheless, a friend. They were having classes together, they were studying together, they were even playing _Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons_ together. Their companionship was different than the brotherhood Ford shared with Stan. It was based on common interests and hunger for knowledge. They've spent hours talking about theories, science projects and books they were reading at the time. Ford had to admit – after so many years, it was nice to find someone, who understood him on scientific level.

However, Fiddleford wasn't interested in supernatural. Whenever Ford was bringing up UFO, ghosts, conspiracy theories, parapsychology or other things out of this world, his friend was either dismissing it or changing the subject. Sometimes he was even snapping at him, because Ford's talk about supernatural was giving him nightmares… or just annoying him.

Ford graduated three years ahead of schedule and got a grant. He and Fiddleford went their separate ways. Stanford went to Gravity Falls to study supernatural, but even there he wasn't completely alone. As much as he didn't like the nosiness of Gravity Falls townsfolk, he had to interact with them from time to time – to build the hut, to get groceries, to gather information about unusual situation that occurred lately. But still, there was nobody he actually considered a friend; nobody he was close with.

That is, until he met Bill. Bill came to him (well, technically Ford summoned him, nevertheless…), when Stanford Pines was frustrated and felt that his research have stuck. Oh, he was so tempting, so convincing. He knew what to say and what to offer to gain Ford's trust. He pulled just the right strings to make a lonely, desperate and self-centered scientist to do what Bill wanted him to do. He was flattering, he was entertaining, he was promising Ford greatness.

And so Ford fell into this demon's trap, called Fiddleford for help and built the portal that later was a cause of his downfall. He also was foolish enough to let him go into his mind. He realized too late that Bill Cipher couldn't be trusted. And even when Bill was supposed to be away, Ford couldn't shake the feeling of being observed by him. There was not even one moment in this whole period of time, when Ford would feel alone in his shack. That – alongside with the familiar feeling of betrayal and the realization that he fell for demon's sweet words – made him miserable, not to mention – paranoid.

Back then Ford wanted so badly to be left alone. Loneliness seemed to be better than this horrible sensation of Bill's eyes fallowing his every step. Loneliness seemed to be better than whispers in the dark. Ford was almost on the verge of insanity. And since Bill could enter minds, the scientist wrote in the journals these three fateful words.

 _Trust no one._

And then he was sucked into portal.

All the moments of loneliness that happened to him were nothing in comparison to thirty years of being completely on his own in a place where everything was foreign and everything could turn out to be dangerous. Thirty years of cautiously looking over his shoulder. Thirty years of keeping his thoughts and feelings for himself. Thirty years of not having a friend.

And there was always this thought on the back of his head; this conviction he had ever since his encounter with Bill.

 _Trust no one._

Even before the portal he learned that keeping secrets was the best policy. Besides, it wasn't like he had anybody he could deem trustworthy. Everybody he trusted – Fiddleford, Bill, even his own _brother_ – turned out to leave and/or betray him one way or another. Seriously, he was better off without them. He didn't need anybody. He could take care of himself…

Only he was so horribly lonely at nights. He was longing for human company. For someone, who would talk to him, joke with him, console him in a moment of hopelessness. He wanted so badly to tell somebody how horribly he felt. But it couldn't be done. He knew it was impossible. He was going to spent rest of his days alone.

But then the portal was opened and when Ford went through it, he found four people waiting for him on the other side. His brother – who apparently spent all these years working on the portal to bring him back – informed him that twelve year old twins and a big guy with front teeth were his family. Suddenly, in one quick moment, Ford wasn't alone, anymore. There were people who wanted to spend time with him, even talk to him. After thirty years, he could fulfill his need for human company… But there were so many reasons against opening up to anybody.

One was, of course, this whole thing between him and Stanley. It was sad, but Stanford knew he couldn't open to his brother like in the old days. Partly because of Stan's faults in the past, partly because Ford was convinced that his twin will never understand him, and partly because he wasn't sure if Stan will even want to listen after all those years. No, if Ford was going to ever say anything to his brother, first they had to repair their relationship.

The next problem was the deal he and Stan made. Considering the situation, it was logical that Stanford would repair the damage, while Stanley would take care of the kids during the summer. However, when Ford told him to leave the shack when summer is over, Stan agreed on it, but under one condition – Ford had to stay away from kids. Stan even went so far that he warned twins about him.

 _My brother is a dangerous know-it-all and the stuff he's messing with is even worse. Do yourself a favor and stay away from him. You hear me?_

It wasn't that Stanford didn't understand him. After all, Stanley only wanted to protect children. And to some degree he was probably right. What Ford was doing in the basement, wasn't safe and Dipper and Mabel shouldn't hang around it. Still, when Ford heard these words, it hurt. Because that meant that his own brother didn't trust him.

The third problem was the things Ford was dealing with. The horrors of the portal, plaguing him in the sleep, the dangers of said portal, the shame he felt… he wasn't sure if they would understand.

Finally there was this conviction he carried with himself all those years.

 _Trust no one._

He was used to not trusting. He was used to keeping secrets. He spent so long doing it that it became his second nature. Still, he felt the pang of sadness, being alone in the basement and knowing that his newfound family was above him.

But then came Dipper with a _Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons_ dice. And suddenly Ford had a friend again. It was a friend with whom he could talk about tabletop games and about weird things happening around them. Dipper was so much like Stanford – so curious and nerdy, Ford knew he found a soulmate. It was only the matter of time, when he will open to the kid. And so he did – showing him the Infinity Dice and then – telling him about the rift. Of all the people in the shack – hell, of all the people in the _multiverse_ – he trusted Dipper the most.

But there was still things he just couldn't tell or show to the kid. It had a lot to do with the fact that Dipper liked him. No, not just "liked". He _adored_ him. He said it himself – he spent whole summer wondering who was the mysterious Author of the journals and now the Author was here, in the Mystery Shack. Dipper probably already had some picture of him in mind; a picture painted by assumptions and dreams. Maybe the actual meeting with Ford and all these times when they were hanging out, changed this picture a bit, nevertheless, the admiration was still there.

Ford was flattered by it. He wanted to be seen as someone tough and strong, and smart. He wanted to be someone's hero. Especially when it was Dipper. That's why he couldn't bear the thought that this child would learn a not-so-pretty truth about his idol and stop to look up to him. But it was more than that. So, _so_ much more. Ford was afraid that Dipper will start to despise his great uncle for his weakness, for his foolishness and cowardice.

Ford didn't want to lose Dipper's respect and friendship. He also didn't want to lose Dipper's trust.

Unfortunately Bill had to come back. He had to show in Ford's dreams and once again remind him about the worst mistake the scientist ever made. The next day Ford found out that the twins were actually fighting Bill twice. Dipper, on the other hand, found out that his great uncle encountered the demon too, and that news surprised him.

Ford knew he had to do something to prevent Bill from going after his family, so he made suitable preparations. He also knew that he should tell Dipper about his own history with the demon. However, he was postponing it, because he thought that the boy wasn't ready. But the fact was that the one who wasn't ready, was Ford himself. Shame and fear of Dipper's reaction were holding him back.

 _Ford and Bill!_

He immediately regretted this decision, once Dipper looked into his mind and the things he saw gave him the worst possible idea. Then Ford took the mind reading helmet off and threw it aside. The helmet made the curtains go off, revealing Bill's symbols on the walls and made the situation even worse.

 _Why… why were you shaking hands with Bill? You said Bill will posses anyone so he could get this…_

He took the rift. He was actually thinking that his great uncle was possessed.

 _Why were you really scanning my thoughts? Are you Bill right now?!_

The boy reached for the memory gun. Ford tried to calm him down, but Dipper didn't listen. He was constantly backing away, still afraid of his own family member.

 _Just… just calm down p-p-p…_

 _Pine Tree?! Is that how you're going to call me?!_

 _I was gonna say "please", kid!_

Dipper was pointing gun at Ford. He was holding the rift and if he wasn't careful enough, he was going to drop it. But it wasn't the worst part of this horrible situation. The worst part was the look on boy's face – a horrified look of someone who was desperate and could do anything, if Ford would do one wrong move.

 _Great uncle Ford told me to protect the rift! Get one step closer and I'll shoot! I'll erase you out of Ford's head!_

 _It's me, Dipper! It's your uncle!_

And then Dipper said it. The words that he must have read in the third journal.

 _Trust no one. Trust no one. Trust no one…_

He was repeating it like a mantra, as he pulled the trigger. The beam from memory gun hit Ford's metal plate which deflected it and both the kid and the scientist bowed to avoid being hit. Then the beam broke the screen of mind reading machine.

When everything calmed down, Ford put up Dipper and raised him on his eye level. The boy was struggling, but he was no match with a grown-up, fire-forged Ford. The man tried one last time.

 _Now, now, just calm down. Calm down. Look into my eyes. Look at my pupils. It's me Dipper. It's me._

He even smiled. And that was enough to reassure Dipper that he was safe and everything was fine. Then Ford decided to finally confess to him his story; finally trust the boy just like he trusted him with the rift and the possible danger of it.

Later they were sitting at the table and drinking Pitt Cola. Dipper was still embarrassed about what happened.

 _From now, no more secrets between us…_

Now, when Ford was lying in his bed and thinking about the events of that day, he couldn't get rid off of the vision of scared Dipper pointing memory gun at him. At this horrifying moment he was actually believing that the man in front of him wasn't his great uncle Ford; wasn't the Author of the journals, the one person in the world Dipper admired the most. If it wasn't for the metal plate in Stanford's head, who knew what could happen?

 _From now, no more secrets between us…_

Ford was going to stick with it. He had to be more open with Dipper about these kind of things. He had to suppress the habit of keeping secrets from people.

 _Trust no one…_

After all, he wasn't alone, anymore.

And if he couldn't trust Dipper, then who?


	5. Burdens of memory

**Originally this was supposed to be a later chapter, because I felt that Ford's breakdown and confrontation between Stans should happen after Ford would encounter more suffering.**

 **But my tumblr friend, Snapback Gravity Falls, has written a fanfiction where Stan snaps at Ford (the fanfic title is _Welcome To My Life_ , BTW) and it motivated me to write something where it's the other way around. And since I already had the idea with memory gun and Ford having breakdown, I decided to use it.**

 **Now, I didn't want Stan to be an asshole, I just thought that this would be a general reaction to what he was seeing at the moment, especially considering the tension between Stans. I also felt that too much fics with Stans make them hug, which seems a bit forced. So I tried to make it not too fluffy.**

 **Obviously, I failed.**

 **Anyway, reviews would be awesome.**

 **The burdens of memory**

Stanford was sitting at the desk, in his secret cabinet, and holding the memory gun. He was screwing the knob and observing as the words on the screen kept changing: "dimension 46", "first try with the portal", "Nightmare Realm"…

Ford gave a soft sigh. He thought that he could handle these thoughts. After all, he was able to handle monsters and dangers of the foreign dimensions, so memories of said monsters and dangers shouldn't affect him all that much. He really thought that after all the things he went through, he was stronger and tougher.

But he was wrong.

It was a fairly ordinary thing that proved him wrong.

Earlier that day, in the evening, Ford was in the kitchen, looking for something for a supper (he decided that he wanted to prepare a meal today and the kids were enthusiastic about it). Twins and Stan were in the other room, watching TV. Through the kitchen window Ford could see Soos doing some repairs with the golf cart. The sun was still shinning, so the scientist didn't turn on the lump. Everything seemed to be fine.

But then Soos did something to the cart and its blue lights turned on, blinding Ford with their sudden brightness. In one quick moment he saw the portal slowly sucking him inside and terrified Stanley not knowing what to do; he saw black creatures with glowing eyes and sharp teeth; he saw himself running from them like crazy. And all those visions flashed before him in few seconds, reminding him of the feeling of fear and helplessness, and it was so overwhelming, so strong, he felt tears in his eyes and…

And he ran out from the kitchen. Stan and twins abruptly stood up and looked at him, surprised. He wanted to apologize that he won't make supper, but words stack in his throat. Besides, he wanted to get out of there as fast as he could, so he just went to the vending machine, clicked the right code and left. Mabel was calling after him to stop, while Stan was yelling at his brother to come back.

So here he was, sitting all alone in his cabinet.

Ford ran through all the images that were haunting him during day and night, and felt horribly tired. Tired of nightmares, tired of his mind playing tricks on him; tired of unwanted memories coming to him at times when he wanted to be happy with his family. He was reaching his limits and knew he was close to breaking down, because of the torture his own memory was subjecting him.

It would be so simple to put the memory gun to his temple and pull the trigger… Fiddleford had a good idea, after all. It worked on him, so maybe it could work on Stanford. One move and Ford would be relieved from his past. One move and he would be free from regrets, nightmares and sadness. One move and he would finally be at peace.

Only there was one problem… He knew that it was impossible for him to be at peace.

He really thought he could handle the nightmares. He really thought that he was strong enough to live with his demons and not fall apart. But the events of today proved that past always would find a way to get under his skin and grab him by his throat. There was no escape.

Tears ran down his cheeks. Ford put the gun down and hid his face in hands. He was at least happy that he was alone in the cabinet. He didn't want to be seen by any member of his family, when he was in that state. It was bad enough that they saw him abruptly leaving the room. Well, he managed to hear Dipper telling Stan to not come after him, so thankfully, the boy understood the situation and knew that his great uncle Ford needed to be left alone.

Still a bit teary, Ford put the memory gun again. And this was the moment when – to scientist's big surprise – Stan opened the door and entered the cabinet.

* * *

Suffice to say, Stanley was angry. Stanford said he will cook a supper and then he – just like that – ran away from the kitchen without explanation. Personally Stan wouldn't mind it so much, but kids were all excited that their great uncle Ford will make something for them and when he abruptly left, they were disappointed.

So once Stanford ran away to the vending machine, Stan rushed after him… but he was suddenly stopped by Dipper, who caught the leg of his gruncle's shorts and gave him weird look which was followed by him saying:

"Leave it, gruncle Stan. He… great uncle Ford needs space right now."

For a moment Stan thought that the kid knew something he didn't know, nevertheless, the old conman escaped his grip and went after his dumb brother.

At first he suspected that Ford was hiding in the basement, but once Stan got there, he didn't find him. So he came to the conclusion that his twin was probably in this fancy, supersecret cabinet. Therefore Stanley quickly found the secret passage and entered the elevator that was leading to that room.

And wouldn't you know, there was Sixer, sitting at the desk and holding a gun. A really weird gun that looked like it was taken straight out of some cheap sci-fi flick, nevertheless, a gun. Stanley frowned and ran to his brother.

"Don't you _dare_ shoot yourself, poindexter!"

Stanford was looking at him with astonishment. He put the gun down and stood up, facing his brother. The scientist's expression changed from surprise to indignation. There was also something else, some kind of sadness… but Stan was too angry to pay attention to it.

"How do you know about this room?" Was the first thing Ford said.

Stan stopped and now there was a distance of few feet between the two brothers.

"I was living in this place, Sixer. I had time to explore its secrets." He took the gun and threw it as far away as he could. Then he leaned towards his twin and said: "You ungrateful bastard, I've spent thirty years to bring your sorry ass here and you want to kill yourself?! And under kids' noses, for that matter?! What's wrong with you?!"

This time it was Ford's turn to frown.

"For your information, I wasn't going to commit suicide!" He exclaimed, but then calmed down a bit and looked at Stan with tired expression. "Look, Stanley, it's… it's a memory gun. The only thing it does, is erasing memories."

Stan glanced at the gun. He wasn't sure if he should believe his brother (after all, it could be a lie to make Stan leave the place), nevertheless, some part of him wanted to convince him that Ford was telling the truth. Stanley looked at Stanford and asked, a bit skeptically:

"Oh, yeah? And what is it that you want to forget so badly?"

For a moment Ford wasn't saying anything. He just looked down and gave a soft sigh. Stan was losing his patience.

"Damn it, poindexter!" He yelled. "First you're backing away from making a supper as you promised, now you're acting all secretive… And you won't even look me in the eyes, when you're speaking to me!"

Ford glanced at him. His lower lip started to tremble. In fact, when Stan looked at him closer, he quickly realized that the whole body of his twin was shaking, like he was keeping something inside and was struggling to not let it out. This view surprised Stan, nevertheless, he continued:

"You know, you can always tell me what's bothering you. That's what family is for, Sixer. Not that you can appreciate it." He added, turning his gaze away.

Ford shot Stan a cold look and, with a shaking voice, he finally spoke:

"Oh, you think you want to know what is bothering me, Stan?"

He took one step forward and Stanley realized there were tears forming in the corners of Stanford's eyes.

"The problem is," He began rising his voice. "you didn't go what I have gone through! Even if I tell you, you won't understand!"

Stan felt agitation building inside of him.

"Oh, cut it off, Sixer! I was homeless for almost ten years, not to mention that I was in two Columbian prisons! I had my fair share of misery, while you were sitting with your books and…"

"Now imagine all of this," Ford cut in, bursting into tears. "but in hell!"

Stan was taken aback by this outburst. The scientist, on the other hand, took another step and continued:

"Imagine yourself, surrounded by creatures who are feeding on your fear and self-doubts! And not only that, but they are also sucking your hope as you try to hold on to your sanity!" He looked his brother in the eyes and Stan could see that he was close to his breaking point. Ford went on, this time quietly: "Imagine yourself running away from animals, you didn't know, existed. Imagine yourself lying in the middle of nowhere and listening for potential predators. Imagine yourself being completely alone in place you don't recognize. And you have to survive and try to remain sane."

He fell on the seat he was previously sitting on, and ran his hands down his face, probably to wipe off the tears. But when he looked up at his brother, Stan could clearly see a new ones forming in his eyes. He looked so tired… so miserable…

"Do you know when was the last time I had a goodnight sleep, Stanley?" He said with a quivering voice. "I've seen things I wish to unsee. I can see these monsters in my dreams and in my memories. I left the portal… but sometimes I feel like I didn't. And it's driving me crazy."

He rested the hands on his arms and started to rub it, like he wanted to hug himself.

"I can't take this anymore, Stanley." He looked at his twin again. "I thought I could, but today in the kitchen…"

"What?" Stan asked, genuinely worried. "What happened in the kitchen?"

"Soos… was repairing the golf cart," Stanford began. "and suddenly the lights turned on and… and I had this flashback from that night when I was sucked into the portal… and… and…" Another tears streamed down his face and he looked down. "I just… I just want to forget about everything."

Suddenly all of Stan's anger faded away and he felt the big brother's instinct kicking in. Like all those times in the past, seeing his twin in tears awakened something in Stanley and he wanted nothing more than protect Stanford from anything that made him cry.

Suddenly Ford smiled to his brother bitterly.

"And you know what's funny about all of this?" He stopped smiling. "Even if I use the memory gun, it won't work. You know why?" He chuckled cheerlessly. "Because I have a metal plate in my skull."

Stan didn't say anything. He was processing the new information. He always suspected that whatever Ford encountered on the other side of the portal, had to be scary and dangerous, but since he came back, Stan never thought about it, because his brother acted so normal (well… normal for his standards, anyway). Guess, he was hiding his pain well.

Stanley grabbed the chair, put it beside Ford and sat down. For a moment both twins were just sitting in silence. Then Stan finally spoke:

"That flashback thing… was it something like with mister Ruben?"

Ford glanced at him, rising his eyebrows. From the look on his face Stan suspected that he knew what his brother was talking about.

Mister Ruben was an old man from across the street they were living in, back in New Jersey. Whenever they were running by his house, he yelled at them for no good reason. He also didn't like to watch fireworks during the Fourth of July or New Year.

One day Stanley decided that it would be funny if they fire some petards on mister Ruben's porch and ring the doorbell. The elderly man, of course, opened the door, and at first the prank really was funny… but when the first petard fired, mister Ruben jumped away from it and hid in his own house. For these couple of seconds as Stans could see him, he looked absolutely terrified. Stan and Ford ran away.

When their father found out about this prank, he was furious. He was yelling at them whole five minutes, scolding them for their stupidity and lack of respect. That was when they've found out that mister Ruben was a war veteran and the reason behind him not participating in the celebrations of New Year and Independence Day was due to fireworks reminding him of bombarding.

Now, after all those years, Ford looked at Stan, before he gazed at the space in front of him.

"Yes." He replied on his brother's question. "At least I think it is. We will never know what was exactly in mister Ruben's head."

Stan only nodded. For a moment they were sitting in silence and then…

"I should have come after you."

Ford raised his eyebrows. Stan explained:

"You know, through the portal."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Stanley…" Ford replied.

"Listen, Sixer," Stan turned to him. "defending you from bullies was always my job. And if I was there with you back then, every monster would think twice before he would start bothering you."

Ford smiled lightly at him, before giving soft sigh and saying:

"There were times when I wished you were with me." He turned to Stan. "But for the most part, I was glad you didn't."

Stan was going to say something, but then Ford continued:

"I don't know what I would have done, if they did something to you."

Another moment of silence. Apparently they both didn't know what to talk about and quite frankly they didn't want to talk about anything.

But suddenly Stanley remembered something. He stood up and looked at Stanford.

"Come on. The kids are probably starving and you promised to make a supper."

For a couple of seconds Ford was just staring at him with surprise, but then he smiled lightly and also raised from his seat.

They both directed towards the entrance, but Stan took one last glance at the memory gun. That was when he noticed it had a screen. The green letters were glowing in the darkness, saying: "science project".


	6. I'm sorry, Fiddleford

**When I was writing this thing, I noticed that the build-up for the main event takes almost four pages. Usually one chapter of my fic takes about five, so I was afraid that if I write the reunion it will be too long and I will have to make it a two-parter. But I've managed to do it without dividing it and here we are!**

 **(I also had problems with writing longer texts lately. I don't know how I've found vein to do it.)**

 **Anyway, in case the next episode of _Gravity Falls_ will contain the actual reunion between Ford and Fidds, this should be considered as AU.**

 **I'm sorry, Fiddleford**

The first time the twins mentioned Fiddleford McGucket was during breakfast, few days after Ford came back. Mabel, Dipper and Stan were already sitting at the table eating their morning meals, when Ford came to make himself a sandwich and coffee. At first he only greeted his family and didn't pay much attention to them. Only when he sat at the table with breakfast in his hands, he realized that Dipper seemed tense like he wanted to say something, but didn't know how to approach the subject. Mabel, on the other hand, was twitching in her seat and occasionally gazing at her brother and Ford. She also wanted to tell something to her newfound gruncle and the need was tearing her inside. Only Stan looked like he was just enjoying his cereal and coffee.

Ford tried to act natural. He didn't feel like talking right now, but he suspected that the twins will eventually say what they wanted to say.

Mabel leaned closer to her brother and whispered to him:

"This is a right time."

"No, it's not, Mabel." Dipper replied. "He just woke up."

"But when he'll finish eating, he will go back to basement and you won't be able to ask him. Just ask already!"

They weren't quiet enough to not be heard by Ford. The scientist only looked at them once and returned to his sandwich. The twins quickly moved away from each other and turned their eyes on their feet. Ford sighed, put his sandwich back on the plate and gazed at the kids.

"Okay, what is it that you want to ask me?"

Dipper was avoiding his great uncle's gaze and rubbing nervously the back of his head, while trying to find the right words.

"You see, great uncle Ford…" He began. "We were kinda wondering… Since, you know, you weren't here for so long… Maybe you would like to…"

"Meet with your old bestie, Fiddleford McGucket!" Mabel cut in, almost screaming with excitement.

Ford was taken aback by the mention of his former assistant's name. Did this mean the kids knew Fidds? Of course, Ford told them about him back then in a basement, but their current behavior was a straight up signal that they actually _met_ the man and they knew how to arrange a little reunion between two old friends.

"See?" Dipper began, whispering again to his sister. "I told you great uncle Ford won't like it."

"Nonsense." Mabel whispered back. "He want it. He just doesn't know it yet."

A lot of thoughts were spinning in Ford's mind at the moment: How the kids knew Fidds? What happened to the man? Was Ford ready for the reunion? And then he started to think about old times and he could practically hear Fiddleford's voice in his head…

 _Where are these ideas coming from? Who are you working with?!_

 _You'll bring about the end of the world with this…_

 _I quit!_

He could still see the confused, scarred for life Fiddleford lying on the basement floor and spawning gibberish, because of the things he encountered on the other side of the portal. No, no matter what, Ford couldn't meet again with his old friend. This would be too painful. For both of them.

"Great uncle Ford?" Dipper's voice brought Ford back to reality.

The scientist looked at the kids.

"Tell me, children, why do you want me to meet with Fiddleford?"

"Oh, it's because the guy is a total loon and Mabel thinks you can help him, or something." Stan spoke for the first time this morning, but didn't lift his gaze from the paper.

Ford's eyes widened.

"What?!"

And so the twins told him – about the memory gun, about the Society of the Blind Eye, about Fiddleford being a local crazy old man, living on a junkyard and for the most part not remembering who he was. The more Ford was listening, the more his heart was sinking. It was all his fault. If it weren't for his foolishness and naivety, Fiddleford would have never been on the other side and he would never end up like this.

"Now, he's getting better." Dipper informed. "Last time when I saw him, he was talking normally."

"And since you two were lab partners once," Mabel went on. "we think that maybe you could… you know… hang out with your old friend and help him remember few things. Don't you want to meet your friend again?"

Some part of Ford actually wanted to. Some part of him was thinking fondly of all those years on university, when he and Fidds were talking all day long about science and _Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons_. Some part of him wanted to help his old friend take his past back…

 _I fear we unleashed a grave danger on the world. One I just as soon forget…_

"I'm afraid, I can't do it, kids." He said, almost whispering.

They looked at him with sad disappointment. Stan, on the other hand, raised his eyes from the newspaper and puffed.

"Typical." He muttered.

Ford felt uncomfortable being observed by them so carefully. He knew what they were thinking but after he told them about the reason of Fiddleford's quitting, they should know why he couldn't meet him. Because he wanted to help Fidds. And the only way he could do it, was to not show himself to the man.

"Trust me," He repeated. "it will be better that way."

They were still looking at him.

"Now, excuse me." He said, standing up. "I have a work to do."

He left to the basement not even taking his sandwich with him. He had to get as far away from his judgmental family as possible at that point. And so he spent most of that day, working underground at dismantling the portal. He didn't even get out when Stan called him for dinner and supper, afraid that his family will bring the subject of Fiddleford again.

But even occupied by work, he couldn't stop thinking about his former assistant. After all, the portal was something he built with Fidds' help. And in the silence of the basement Ford's mind kept coming back to the nights spent on putting the blasted thing together… and on that fateful night when Fiddleford left.

Now Fiddleford was a town's jest. He lost his mind in search for peace. He was living in junkyard like some homeless hillbilly. All because he agreed to help his old friend, who was too preoccupied by a manipulative demon to see the truth.

That night was full of nightmares about insane Fiddleford attacking Ford suddenly and screaming about his shuttered life and dreams. Strangely enough, Ford wasn't even defending himself. He was just letting himself to be punched, kicked and insulted. After all, he deserved every blow coming from a poor old man, whose life he ruined.

The next day it looked like Stan and twins abandoned the subject and everything went to normal. Ford didn't hear about twins' idea for his and Fidds' reunion for the next couple of days. He assumed that they understood the situation, so they wouldn't bother him anymore.

But about a week or so after their first attempt, they've made another one. Or rather – Dipper made it. It was during one of their DD&MD sessions, when the boy asked with fake curiosity:

"Say, great uncle Ford, did you play _Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons_ with mister McGucket?"

And suddenly Ford remembered countless evenings spent in their dorm room, as his mage and Fiddleford's thief were having wonderful adventures after a long day. It was a better times, more innocent one. He had fun with Fidds. The man always knew how to make the campaign interesting…

But when Stanford was remembering this, a sudden realization hit him, wiping off the light smile that was forming on his face. It was an obvious trick on Dipper's part and Ford knew where this was going.

He sighed.

"Dipper, I told you, I can't meet with Fiddleford."

"But why, great uncle Ford?" Dipper asked.

"You perfectly know why." The scientist retorted and before the boy could say anything else, Ford added: "And if you'll keep pushing, I will unleash level 50 dragon on your knight."

That did the trick, even though it looked like Dipper wanted to add something.

Nevertheless, twins tried many times to convince his great uncle that meeting with Fiddleford is a great idea. And every time when they did, he was refusing or just leaving the room under the excuse of work. Another couple of days passed and it seemed like the kids decided to not mention Fidds again.

Besides, they suddenly had a more important matter to discuss which was Bill trying to get into the shack. It was one eventful day. Mabel got the unicorn's hair, while Ford and Dipper experienced a moment of terror, when the boy thought his great uncle was possessed. Even few hours after the incident, they felt uncomfortable and embarrassed about their past actions. But there was also an unexpected victory in the form of unicorn's hair being collected by the girls.

The next day Ford had a visitor. A bit hesitantly Dipper entered gruncle's bedroom and leaned on the door, hiding his hands. It was obvious that he came here to ask about something and he was nervous about it.

"Listen, great uncle Ford…" He began, rubbing the back of his head.

"Yes, Dipper?" Ford smiled to him reassuringly.

The boy cleaned his throat and proceeded:

"Look, I just wanted to say once again that I'm sorry for looking into your thoughts. It was a violation of your privacy and I should trust you."

"You don't have to apologize, Dipper." Ford gave him another smile.

"I want to assure you that your secrets are safe with me."

"I know." Ford said and saddened. "Dipper, I trust you."

"There is one last thing." The boy added abruptly. He took a deep breath and continued: "Look, great uncle Ford, I was thinking about it whole night and… and I think I understand why you don't want to see McGucket."

Stanford blinked at his guest with surprise. He sat at the couch and asked:

"Well then… why do you think is that?"

Dipper came closer and took a seat next to him.

"Partly because you feel guilty," He said. "and partly because you feel ashamed. But, great uncle Ford," The boy neared to him and looked Ford in the eyes. "don't you think that Fiddleford McGucket deserves a proper apology? Besides, he wants to know who he was before this whole mess happened. Don't you want to help him?"

Ford felt anger rising in him. He stood up and gazed at the boy.

"And how do you know it will help him?!" He exclaimed. "How do you know that his condition won't get worse, if he sees me?! I basically ruined his life! I will only make him want to forget his past again!"

He gave a heavy sigh and sat back and looked at the space in front of him.

"And I want to apologize to him, Dipper. I really do." He turned to the kid. "But I'm afraid that an apology won't be enough. No matter what I say or do… nothing can make up for what I have done to him."

"Actually," Dipper said, rising his finger. "he _wants_ to meet you."

"What?" Ford asked.

"I've told him few things about you." The boy replied a bit sheepishly. "Mainly that you two were working together. He's genuinely interested in seeing you."

The scientist couldn't believe his ears.

"Dipper, this was… gah! I have no words."

"You told me, you've trusted me, great uncle Ford." Dipper said suddenly.

"Yes, of course, I do, but…"

"Then trust me that his reaction might not be as bad as you suspect."

"And how could you possible know this?"

This time it was Dipper's time to smile reassuringly.

"Because when he found out about how he lost his memory, his reaction wasn't just like we suspected it would be. He was actually… pleased that he found out something about himself. And there is a chance that meeting you again will be the same."

Ford still wasn't sure about this, but he realized that he wanted to try. If only just to receive a well-deserved beating.

* * *

And so Ford was sitting at the kitchen table, nervously waiting for a guest the twins invited that afternoon. He was imagining Fiddleford's reaction to his former friend. Million scenarios were playing out in the scientist's head… and all of them featured Fiddleford screaming at him angrily. Somehow Ford couldn't imagine it going any other way. He was so afraid of this meeting… He was afraid of what Fidds would say to him and he was afraid of what he would see. But he had to get through it. He couldn't give Fiddleford his life back, so he should at least receive the punishment.

Suddenly Ford heard the main door cracking and three people entering the shack.

"Come, mister McGucket." Dipper said. "He's waiting in the kitchen."

Ford felt how his heart started to pound quicker. Maybe he should stand up, but he remained on his place as his legs seemed to be too weak to even move. In fact, he felt almost paralyzed. Soon the twins entered the kitchen and their guest followed right after. The eyes of both men met and for the first time in thirty years Stanford Pines could see his university friend and assistant.

The man standing in their kitchen looked nothing like Fiddleford he knew. The man before him was a hunched hillbilly in tattered and patched-up clothes; with long, white beard and casts on both of his arms. Nobody who looked at him would ever suspect that this man is a scientist, not to mention – a brilliant engineer.

Ford felt how his legs stood up.

"Hi, Fidds." He said quietly.

He came few steps towards his friend. Few feet were separating two men, as he hesitantly extended his hand.

Fiddleford didn't move. His eyes were full of sadness and confusion. Ford didn't know what was going through the other man's head, but he suspected that McGucket was slowly recognizing him. Ford imagined the gears in his friend's mind was turning, bringing fragments of images that seemed without any sense at first, but his brain was collecting a long forgotten memories and putting them together.

And then Fiddleford's gaze was turned from Ford's face to his extended hand.

"Six fingers…" He whispered, still observing the hand. Suddenly his expression changed from amazement to a realization. And then he looked at Ford. "I'm sorry." He said and gave the man a soft smile. "I forgot you don't like it, when people are staring."

A memory flashed in Ford's mind. His first day at the university. He was sitting on the class, trying to focus on the lecture, but there was this guy next to him, who was constantly staring at his hands and it was so annoying and distracting. Finally Stanford told him to stop doing that. The man apologized and later, after the classes, he asked him if he wanted to go to cafeteria.

And that was how he met Fiddleford.

Now, in the present, there was an awkward silence as the two men were looking at each other. Ford wanted to say so many things right now – "I'm glad to see you.", "How are you doing?", but most of all – "I'm sorry, Fiddleford." He wanted to say these three words since that fateful night with a portal. He had so much to apologize for. "I'm sorry for bringing you into this. I'm sorry for not listening to you when you tried to talk some sense to me. I'm sorry for making you erase your memory."

But his tongue was knotted and the only thing he could do was staring at the man in front of him and waiting for his next words.

"Mabel, maybe we should leave." Dipper said and Ford remembered about their presence. "They need to be left alone."

The boy took his sister by a sweater and directed towards the living room. Ford called after them:

"Kids, wait!"

But they acted like they didn't hear him.

"So," McGucket began, turning Ford's attention back on his friend. "we were lab partners once?"

Stanford felt another pang of guilt.

"Yes." He whispered weakly. "We… You were helping me with something."

Fiddleford sat at the table. Ford did it too.

"You know," Fidds looked at him. "I keep dreaming of… of this blue light." He turned his gaze on the floor. "It's sucking me inside… and I'm suddenly surrounded by monsters. Then somebody is pulling me back… I'm safe… but I want to forget what I have seen. That's usually when I'm waking up."

His expression was sad, his voice was cracking. Fiddleford was clearly remembering this horrible experience. The experience that made him want to forget in the first place.

If there was going to be a right moment to apologize, that would be it. So Ford took a deep breath, fixed his eyes on McGucket and said:

"I'm sorry, Fiddleford."

It was amazing how easy was to spit it out. But it was not enough. Just "sorry" would never be enough. So after a short moment of silence Ford continued:

"The thing is, you really did see these monsters. And that is why you wanted to erase your memory."

"I know." McGucket said, surprising Ford.

"Then you also know that you're like that because of me." The scientist replied after a moment of silence.

"Yes, I do." Fiddleford said shortly, giving Ford look that could be placed between disappointment and longing.

"I-I wish I could turn it back, Fidds." Stanford added. He turned his gaze on the floor. "But I can't. There is nothing I can do to make up for what I did. And you have every right to be mad with me."

"I _was_ mad with you, Ford." Fidds explained.

Suddenly Stanford felt a hand on his shoulder. He raised his eyes to see a sympathetic look on Fiddleford's face.

"But Dipper told me what happened to you." McGucket said. "You've spent thirty years with these monsters."

Was Fidds… was Fidds feeling sorry for him? For _him_?! For the man that made him see unspeakable evil and go mad from it?

He was always so kind-hearted person…

"The thing is," Fiddleford continued with a light smile. "you _can_ do something for me." He saddened and put his hand on Ford's. "I don't want to know how I ended up like this. I want to know what kind of person I was before it happened. So, please," He squished Ford's hand. "could you tell me about our college years?"

Ford observed him for a moment. McGucket's eyes were pleading and the scientist felt that he couldn't refuse. He smiled to Fiddleford and said:

"Well then…"

For the next couple of hours Ford was telling his friend various anecdotes about their common university years – about their professors, classmates, nights spent with _Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons_ ; girls they were trying to ask out and exams that almost gave them heart attack. He enjoyed telling Fiddleford all of this, partly because he was happy to be forgiven, and partly because he genuinely wanted to help.


	7. His responsibility

**Oh, boy, the last episode... Right after I've watched it for the first time, I was mad with Ford and his actions, and I didn't know how I was going to write him. Should I address the Apocalypse in this fic? Should I keep the continuity out of this fic, at least for now? How am I going to look at my nerdy Stanford after what he said?**

 **But then came various analyzes of Ford's behavior and - although, I can still see his faults - I'm a bit more optimistic about him. And a fellow friend, obssessedwithwriting, pointed out that Ford was calmly accepting the fate of being taken to some alien prison, and she even asked what happened to him.**

 **So I was thinking about Ford's rediness to sacrifice himself for the rest of the world and what Bill said to him ("You'll slip up and when you do...") and I decided to write this fic about Stanford's fear of the Weirdgeddon and failure.**

 **And it even contains my interpretation of why Ford didn't tell anyone about the rift, beside Dipper.**

 **His responsibility**

Ever since they Bill-proofed the Shack, Ford had a very disturbing dream. This dream usually went like this:

 _He was facing Bill once again. They were standing in the middle of the forest and the dream demon was holding the rift in his hand. He laughed maniacally for a few seconds before suddenly stopping and floating slowly in Ford's direction._

" _Hey, Sixer, look what I've found."_

 _Most of the time Ford was saying something along the lines of: "Give it back!" or: "How did you get that?!", even though he knew there was no use of doing that at this point. Nevertheless, Bill was always giving the same answer:_

" _Let's just say that you didn't guard it very well, IQ."_

 _And then Bill threw the rift on the ground, causing the glass globe to shutter into pieces. It created a hole in the reality that was sucking everything around them. For some strange reason Ford himself wasn't sucked, but he was watching with horror as the sky became blood red and trees were disappearing in the void of another dimension._

" _Oh, you were trying so hard," Bill kept taunting. "but I told you, you will finally slip up. After all, isn't it always like that? You're fucking up really big and somebody suffers because of it."_

 _Then the scientist saw the twins flying right through the hole, screaming and calling their great uncle Ford for help. But he couldn't do anything. He couldn't even reach for them or go after them, because, for some reason, he didn't move from his spot. Then the twins were followed by Fiddleford, Mabel's friends, Soos, Wendy and – in the end – Stanley._

 _But before Stanley got sucked in, he caught the nearest tree and looked at Ford with despise and coldness._

" _I knew, your science-y stuff were trouble! I knew I should never let you near the kids! Look what you have done, poindexter! We're doomed because of you!"_

 _Finally his grip weakened and Stan – just like everyone else – disappeared in the hole. Bill was laughing and Ford was standing in the middle of the forest, watching the destruction he subsequently caused._

This was generally the moment when Stanford was waking up. In the darkness of the night, he could see the accusatory look on his twin's face. He could hear Stanley's voice and the kids' voices calling Ford for help. And he felt a strange heaviness in his chest, recalling the events of this nightmare.

The Bill in this dream… it was just a figment of Ford's imagination. The scientist was sure of it, because: a) he Bill-proofed the shack, and b) usually when Bill was getting into Ford's mind, the man could feel it. This feeling was hard to describe, the closest way to do it, was saying that Bill's presence had certain… sensation. It had weight and radiation. You always knew, he was in your head. And during these nightmares Ford didn't notice any of those signs. So it wasn't a real Bill. It was just a product of Ford's mind.

Ford knew that this nightmare was what he would see in Gremoblin's eyes. Funny thing was that when he learned about Bill's real plans, he wasn't as terrified of the supposed End of the World, as he was now. Sure, he wanted desperately to prevent it and he went through extreme lengths to do it (even though, there were also things he was hesitant to do, like dismantling the portal), but comparing it to the fear he felt now, it was nothing.

And when he was sucked through the portal, he eventually reconciled with the thought that he won't come back. Because it was better that way. If portal was used to bring him back, it would be an Apocalypse.

His life or return from banishment wasn't worth the Apocalypse.

During those thirty years of jumping through various dimensions, Ford became aware of how vast universe was. He encountered some horrible things he wished to forget more than anything. He experienced sorrow, suffering and fear. He learned that other intelligent species also could be cruel, especially to something they didn't quite understand. Many times Ford was realizing that he could count only on himself and he had to fight for his survival.

But he also had seen breathtaking landscapes, advanced civilizations with knowledge he only dreamed of; astonishing flora and fauna. Both as a scientist _and_ as a human being, he had lot of opportunities to be fascinated by new sights and experiences.

And in the moment of solitude and peace, when he could just sit and marvel at the wonders before him, he was sometimes coming to conclusion that he was just a dust in this big and diverse universe. He had been born, he was living his life and one day he will die, while all the things he saw, will be still going, undisturbed by his absence.

In the grand scheme of things he, Stanford Pines, meant nothing.

Either way, back then, thirty years ago, he wasn't so afraid of possibility of Nightmare Realm coming to his world. But now… Now, he was scared of it more than anything in his life. Because now he actually had something to lose.

Stanley brought him back to his dimension.

Bad news – by doing so, he put the world in danger and he was lucky that Stanford was the only one coming through that blasted machine.

Good news – Stanford had a family again. After thirty years of being completely on his own, far away from home – from Ma, Pa, Shermy and Stan – he had a family – a brother, a niece and nephew. For the first time in thirty years he felt how it's like to have people, who cared for him. And he grew to care for his new family really quickly too. Maybe there were still issues between him and his brother… but the twins were amazing. Mabel was sweet and energetic, and always knew what to say or do. And Dipper… Dipper had this enthusiasm for mysteries and he loved _Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons_ , and… he was a kindred spirit.

Ford just loved their company. It was so refreshing to have someone, who was genuinely wishing him well and didn't want to deceive him. He wanted to astonish Mabel, he wanted to play with Dipper, he wanted to make them smile and laugh.

 _It would be a shame if something happened to these innocent children, eh, IQ?_ – The taunting voice of imagined Bill was saying. – _Oh, Dipper is looking up to you. And Mabel, sweet, trusting Mabel… she likes you too. But you know, you will make a mistake eventually and when you do…_

The perspective of losing his family was more terrifying to Ford than losing the whole world. Because he was so lonely all those thirty years and he thought that he will stay lonely for the rest of his life, but then he was back home, he met the twins and he wasn't lonely anymore.

Besides, he was an old man. They were only twelve and had a whole life before them. And Ford wished to see them grow up.

He had to prevent the Weirdgeddon at all cost. He had to make sure that Bill won't come into this dimension. Because if he did, he would probably go after Stan and the twins, and do horrible things to them. Not because he held grudge against Ford and wanted revenge, but because he would find hurting Ford's family amusing.

The portal was dismantled (funny, how he was eager to do it, when thirty years ago he dismissed Fiddleford's suggestion). The rift was secured. Ford was always keeping an eye on it and the shack was Bill-proofed with unicorn hair.

But it didn't mean that he was at ease.

The fact was that his mind was running through various scenarios when something went wrong, bringing The End of The World. The rift gets dropped. The rift is stolen. The rift is mistaken for a snow globe and taken to a gift shop…

He had to look for the rift day and night. He had to be sure that it was kept away from prying eyes of strangers. After all, the less people knew about it, the better. Ford firmly believed that he was the only one capable of protecting the rift. Well, he and Dipper. If the story with mind reading machine proved anything about the boy, it was that Dipper will go even against his own great uncle to keep the rift away from Bill. Overall, Ford didn't regret putting his trust in the kid.

Either way, the rift was the safest in his basement.

Sometimes Ford wondered if he should tell Stan about it. Maybe it would be better if he informed his twin brother about the danger… But then he was coming to conclusion that if he did it, he would have to tell Stan the whole story about Bill, portal and how Stan's supposedly smarter twin fell into demon's sweet talk. And this confession would open a whole new can of worms. Stanford could imagine Stanley's reaction to the news that there was probably a dangerous artifact in their basement. And it would be perfectly understandable – after all, Stan would want to protect the kids. However, he probably wouldn't listen to reason, he would demand for the rift to be removed or destroyed, or just taken as far away from Mystery Shack as possible.

And he would probably also demand for Ford to stay away from the kids. Because his brother was dangerous to the twins, and Stan didn't want them in danger. (It was quite admirable, really. The thing his brother could do to protect his family…)

No, telling Stan would be a mistake. And telling Mabel was out of the question because she would probably tell Stan.

Besides, the rift was Ford's responsibility. _He_ had to keep it safe. _He_ had to make sure that the Weirdgeddon won't happen. He could share this secret with Dipper, because Dipper could understand the situation better than anyone else… but ultimately this was the way Ford was going to protect his family. He would die doing so, if necessary. He was expandable, after all.

But no matter how many times he was looking at the rift and reminding himself about all the ways he secured the shack from Bill, he could still hear demon's jeers:

 _You'll slip up and when you do… things change_.


	8. It never ends

**So I've watched the finale and after one day I decided to write a chapter that will address Ford's torture scenes and what Bill did to him during Weirdmageddon.**

 **Special thanks to mathes0n from tumblr, who's posts mobilized me to write this piece.**

 **It never ends**

The nightmare was over. Bill was defeated, Gravity Falls was restored into its previous, relatively good state and everything was coming back to normal. The world was saved.

Except, maybe Stanley still had amnesia, but after one day with Mabel's scrapbook it seemed that his memory was slowly coming back. So now all the effort of Stanford and kids was put into helping Stanley remember himself. Meanwhile, Soos, Wendy's family and couple of the Gravity Falls citizens – in sign of solidarity and gratitude – was rebuilding the Mystery Shack, sometimes even talking with Stan to jog his memory. And sure enough, Stan kept remembering new things with every day. It was a slow process, sometimes even painful, when Ford and kids were getting into more sad parts of Stan's life, but it was paying off.

Ford wanted to help his brother, he really did. After all, he agreed on their very risky plan and he was the one, who pulled the trigger. Stan was happy to sacrifice his own identity to save kids (and the rest of the world, for that matter), and the state Ford put him into was heartbreaking not only for Mabel and Dipper, but for Ford himself too. So it was only fair for the scientist to do as much as he could to get his brother back.

Ford thought he should be happy. The monster had lost. He wasn't a threat to anyone anymore. No more concerns whenever the rift was safe or not. No more secrets and regrets. No more feeling of Bill's watching their every step to hurt them. They won. On the surface, it seemed that Ford was finally free, because his mission was completed.

But he didn't feel free. Nor victorious, for that matter. If everything, he was even worse than earlier.

To the old nightmares from the portal joined the new ones. Nightmares from these couple days of his worst fears materializing in front of him – monsters running rampant on the streets, people getting turned into stone (or worse); Bill being triumphant like never before. And him, Ford, trying desperately to stop the demon before he would do any more damage; trying and failing.

And so Ford was waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes even screaming. Still, he wasn't the only one. Kids were dreaming about Weirdmageddon too and so they needed consolation and someone, who would be there for them. Stan was good with it, but more often than not, Ford was the one, who was taking care of Dipper and Mabel. After all, it was his fault they had nightmares in the first place.

Ford quickly realized that he had to be strong for his family. He not only had to help his brother regain his memory, but also reassure the twins that they were safe. And since he had to be strong, there was no room for angst over his own nightmares and mental scars. So he pretended before everybody that he was fine… but it was not an easy task.

* * *

Dipper and Mabel noticed quickly that something wasn't right with their Great Uncle Ford. He seemed normal on the first glance, he was even smiling and laughing from time to time but once in a while his smiles looked like they were forced. And there was also the fact that the kids sometimes were hearing his screams in the night. He was also awfully quiet at times, with a sad or hallow expression, like he was thinking about something which bothered him. But when they've asked him if anything was okay, their gruncle gave them one of his forced smiles and said:

"I'm fine, kids."

It was odd, but while gruncle Stan was getting better, gruncle Ford seemed to get worse with every day. Even before the Weirdmageddon Dipper noticed that his gruncle was very secretive and had problems with sleep. Obviously, there were things on the other side of the portal that left some impact even on the Author. But this time it seemed to be more intense and more visible than ever. Great Uncle Ford was sometimes… jumpy. And depressed.

That's why Dipper came up with a theory that some events of the Apocalypse made him that way. Well, of course, you don't get over the End of The World just like that, but Dipper couldn't shake the feeling that during imprisonment in Fearamid, something horrible happened to gruncle Ford. Mabel agreed with this theory, especially because she said she heard how Ford was screaming: "Bill, stop!" She was sure she heard it right, more than she was sure that unicorns are jerks.

But the most glaring thing that something was wrong was that time when Dipper couldn't sleep so he walked downstairs to eat some midnight snack. At the kitchen table he spotted Great Uncle Ford, who's back was turned to the boy. In the dim light of the lamp Dipper could make out the glimpse of memory gun and letters: "-pher" on the screen.

"But he _can't_ erase his memory. Literally." The boy was later explaining to his sister, when they were in their bedroom. "He has metal plate in his skull that would deflect the ray of the memory gun."

"Maybe he just wishes, he could erase it." Mabel said. "And he's sad, because he can't." She gave a soft sigh. "You know, it's kinda ironic. One of our gruncles wants to remember his past, while the other wants to forget."

"And he doesn't want to tell us what happened." Dipper saddened. "Even me. And I thought that after all the things we've been through Great Uncle Ford trusts me."

"Yeah, that is weird." His twin replied.

"I just want to know what exactly happened," Dipper confessed. "so I would find a way to help him."

"But, Dipper," Mabel turned to him and added: "maybe it's too painful for him, so he doesn't feel like sharing."

"It probably is." Dipper admitted. "You're right. I shouldn't pressure Ford to open up to me."

He was thinking about this for one and half of an hour – about the fact that his great uncle was obviously hurting because of something that Bill Cipher did to him. Dipper remembered his own encounters with Bill, especially that moment when he has been possessed by the demon. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of his life – observing how Bill was abusing his body, letting it fall down the stairs, sticking forks into arms and doing lots, lots of other horrible things to his "puppet". When Dipper regained his body, he was shocked to discover that he was only tired. Still, he was scared that Bill might possess him again.

And there was no doubt the dream demon had done something much worse to Ford. After all, Dipper himself witnessed how his great uncle was turned into gold. Was it all the devil triangle did to him? Or was there something more?

Come to think of it, when they've arrived to the Fearamid and turned everybody back to their true form, Ford had fresh burns on his skin.

Part of Dipper didn't want to think about it. Because there was one very clear conclusion, and the longer he was reflecting on this conclusion, the more scared and guilty he felt.

* * *

The next morning, the boy was looking for gruncle Ford. He found him in the kitchen browsing through the cereal boxes. Dipper felt how his heart started to pound faster. But he said "hi" to his great uncle, who returned the greeting with nod and quick smile; and then the kid sat at the table. He observed Ford for a moment. The scientist seemed normal – just a guy looking for something to eat on breakfast. Dipper could almost forget about Weirdmaggedon, Bill and the portal; could almost forget that Stanford Pines went through hell.

"What would you like for breakfast, hm?" Gruncle Ford suddenly asked, stopping Dipper's train of thought.

"Oh…" The boy looked at him. "I'm not hungry."

"Oh, okay." Was Ford's only response.

Finally when the man found the right cereal, he put it into bawl and drowned it in milk. Then he sat in front of Dipper and smiled to him friendly. The boy cleared his throat and said:

"How did you sleep, Great Uncle Ford?"

The scientist stopped the spoon of cereal in the midair and looked at this great nephew with surprise. Then he put the spoon down and replied:

"Wha-why, my sleep was good, I guess."

Dipper doubted that, considering the fact that around 4 am, he went down the stairs to use a toilet, and he heard his gruncle saying something in his sleep. Suffice to say, Ford muttered the words rather frantically.

"How about your night?" Ford asked. "Did you sleep well?"

"Oh, yes, yes." Dipper replied quickly. Judging by Ford's expression, it was too quick to be considered sincere, but the man didn't want to push it. The kid straightened on his chair and looked into his gruncle's eyes, making him uncomfortable. "Great uncle Ford," He began. "if there is something bothering you; something you would like to talk about, I would be happy to listen." And he shot the man a reassuring smile.

Ford smiled too, but his smile was awkward and for a moment he was avoiding eye contact with his great nephew.

"Thank you, Dipper." He said, finally looking at the child. "But don't worry about that."

Dipper didn't move on with the conversation. He decided to change the subject.

"So, Great Uncle Ford, I was thinking…"

"Yes, Dipper?" Ford's eyebrow raised.

"Do you have any plans for today? Because I was thinking about a session of DD&MD."

Ford smiled.

"We'll see. I was going to meet with Fiddleford today." For a moment his eyes were directed towards something in the distance.

"Oh, okay." Was Dipper's response. "I guess, you two have some catch-up to do."

The fact that his gruncle didn't say anything and was still avoiding his gaze made Dipper a bit suspicious.

* * *

Ford took a deep breath and entered the mansion that now belonged to his former lab assistant. Fiddleford McGucket greet him, shook his hand and led the way. He was very eager to show Ford his new house and so he was stopping from time to time to point at something and tell what it is in his own way (he basically made up names for couple of objects in the house), before they finally came to the nice cabinet. Fiddleford sat at mahogany desk, while his guest took a seat on the sofa.

"So," The engineer began with a smile. "you said through the phone that you want to talk about something."

"Yes." Ford said and added: "I know, I'm asking for much from you and if you refuse, I'll understand it completely. But hear me out."

"Of course."

Ford took a deep breath and said:

"I want you to modify the memory gun."

McGucket's expression changed from friendly to worried.

"Why? Did something happened?"

"No, no, it's just… it's just that…" Ford took another deep breath. "I need to use the memory gun on myself." He looked down. "There are certain things I would much rather forget. A stuff of nightmares." He added quietly and put his gaze back on Fiddleford. "But I can't use the gun, because its ray doesn't pierce through the metal plate in my skull. You understand, do you?"

"Yes," McGucket still looked worried. "and let me tell you, Stanford, that I've been there. You won't stop at one tiny memory. You will want to erase more and more, no matter the cost. And, as a result, you will end up with dementia."

"I suppose you're right." Ford looked through the window.

It was a sunny day. Flowers were blooming, birds were chirping. Outside former Northwest Mansion there was nice forest landscape with mountains afar. Most of people would feel happy and peaceful, seeing this beauty of the nature.

 _Ready to talk, now?_

 _I won't… I won't let you into my mind._

 _What do you think, pals? Another 500 volts?_

"Then again," Ford turned to the engineer. "I can't see any other way to end this torture."

Fiddleford was observing his guest for a moment, with an expression of melancholy and sympathy.

"So what exactly happened?" The old man asked. "You know, before we've rescued you."

Ford suddenly felt uncomfortable. He didn't reply. He didn't even looked at his host. He really didn't want to talk about it. Not with Fidds, not with anyone else.

"Something _had to_ happen." But it seemed that Fiddleford was going to press on him to talk. "You look terrible, Stanford. It's obvious, you weren't sleeping well for couple of nights. So what's bothering you?"

Ford looked at Fidds, but then gazed on the floor.

 _You're making it so much harder than it needs to be…_

"The talking helps." The engineer went on. "Bottling this things inside won't do you any good." He smiled. "I'm sure there are people, who would listen. I, for example."

Ford turned to Fidds with surprise, but then went back to avoiding his eyes. How could he tell Fiddleford about his nightmares?

"Well then," Fiddleford continued after long moment of no response. "how about Dipper? I'm sure he will listen to you."

"Dipper has his own burden." Ford finally gazed at his host. And his gaze was fierce. "He doesn't need mine."

"So maybe Stan?"

Ford gave a heavy sigh.

"Stan has to regain his memory. I won't load him with my problems."

"But you have to tell someone." Fiddleford insisted. "Or else it will eat you from the inside. Bill obviously did something horrible to you. What was it?"

 _Perhaps torturing those kids will make you talk…_

Ford clenched his fists.

"I don't want to talk about it."

 _With that extra finger, you will fit right into my freaks…_

"Don't be a stubborn, old man, Stanford. Tell me."

 _You're making it so much harder than it needs to be…_

"I only want to help you. What Bill did to you?"

 _Those kids are caring about you. And you care about them too. Do you?!_

"Ford, what Bill did to you?"

 _What do you think, pals? Another 500 volts?_

Ford was on the verge of screaming. He took a deep breath to calm down. For a moment, he thought that everything was going to be fine, but then… a vinyl record started to play from the other room. First there was a short musical intro performed by an orchestra and then…

 _We'll meet again,_

 _Don't know where,_

 _Don't know when,_

 _But I know we'll meet again_

 _Some sunny day…_

"Sorry, Tate loves old songs, so he play them sometimes at random." Fiddleford explained.

The song was sang by a woman, but all Ford could hear and see was Bill playing the piano and singing this song in the penthouse. And as a vinyl record went on, Ford remembered the chains on his limbs and neck; and the electricity going through his body. And he could see the triangle monster hovering in front of him, taunting, threatening to do horrible things to Ford. And the scientist knew that whatever torture the damn demon will subject him to, Bill will find his pain hilarious.

"Stanford? Are you alright?" Fidds' worried voice seemed to come from some other place.

Ford couldn't take it anymore. He stood up, came abruptly to Fiddleford's desk and leaned over the other man.

"Do you want to know, what Bill did to me?" His blood was boiling, and before Fidds could say anything, Ford went on: "Well, first he turned me into golden statue and used me as a backscratcher. But it wasn't the worst. The worst was that I didn't know what happened to Dipper, or Mabel, or… or Stan… And… and…"

He felt sadness filling his heart as the memories of that time were flooding his mind. He was never so helpless in his life, then in this couple of days of being a motionless statue. The fact that Bill was using him as a backscratcher wasn't the worst. The worst was that all this time he was observing the destruction of Gravity Falls and didn't know what happened to Dipper, Mabel and others. He was especially worried for Dipper. After all, the boy was all alone in the middle of the Apocalypse. Ford's imagination was bringing him the images of his great nephew being scared, lonely, mutilated and killed in the most cruel ways possible. And his gruncle couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't even move a finger.

And Mabel. What was happening to her? Was she even alive? For all Ford knew back then, she could be lying somewhere, wounded and helpless. Maybe she even witnessed how her friends shared some horrible fate.

The scientist turned to Fiddleford and said with a weakened voice:

"You can't even imagine how it's like to observe everything falling apart. My worst nightmare was coming true on my very eyes. If it wasn't for me, Weirdmaggedon would have never happened. And if the kids have died back then, it would be my fault. I couldn't do anything to protect them. I could only watch."

"Golly, Stanford…" McGucket was observing him with astonishment mixed with sadness.

"But it wasn't over, oh no!" Ford took few steps back and went into full-blown rant, while walking from corner to corner. "When he realized that natural magnetism of Gravity Falls is preventing him from leaving the town, he turned me back and tried to convince me to give him equation removing the magnetism. And since I didn't want to give it to him, he used force."

Ford stopped in the middle of the cabinet and looked at Fiddleford. The engineer's expression suggested that he quickly realized what Ford's words meant. The old man went from realization to sadness.

"It took us few days to build the robot around Mystery Shack." He turned his sympathetic eyes on his former partner. "All this time, Bill was…?"

Ford only nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Stanford. I… I didn't know…"

"I didn't want anybody to know." Ford said.

He went back to the sofa and sat down with a soft sigh. There was a moment of silence. Ford didn't want to talk, and Fidds probably thought that speaking up right now would be inappropriate. Strangely enough, letting out some of the steam made Ford feel a bit better. For once he wasn't keeping it all inside; for once he didn't have to pretend that everything was fine. Telling about this trauma was strangely liberating, if only a bit. And Ford realized that once he confessed something about what happened to him, he wanted to confess more.

"But the worst part of all of this," He glanced at Fiddleford and then went back to staring at the space in front of him. "wasn't the tortures, wasn't being turned into statue. Hell," He smiled wryly. "it wasn't even the fact that I had to stay awake all this time to not let Bill into my mind." He saddened and looked at his host, saying quietly: "The worst part, Fiddleford, is that I sometimes dream about being Bill's prisoner." The scientist took a deep breath and continued: "So he's always in my mind. The torture never ends."

Fiddleford was silent. He only stared at Ford with compassion and sorrow. Ford could almost read from his face the helplessness; the fact that McGucket had no clue what to say or do with the newfound knowledge.

"So you see why I want you to modify the memory gun."

"Yes, I do." Fidds said calmly.

"But you won't do it." Ford replied.

"No, I can't." The engineer shook his head. "It would be dangerous for your brain." He suddenly stood up and came to his guest and looked him in the eyes with a sympathetic smile. "But I will tell you this: You are not alone, Stanford. And you can always call."

Ford returned his host's smile.

"Thank you for your time. Now," He stood up. "I've told Stan I will be on a dinner. It's almost dinner time."

* * *

When Ford left the room, Fiddleford stopped smiling and looked at the big wardrobe in the cabinet.

"You can go out."

The wardrobe's door opened and Dipper came out. He looked distraught and awkward.

"Poor Great Uncle Ford." The boy said.

He was horrified, sad and confused. But he knew he wanted to give his gruncle a big, warm hug.


End file.
